mango on an apple

Panic Attack

on Sunday 28 August 2011

in paris

This is going to be a brutally honest post.

The blog so far has been seeing Paris from rose-coloured glasses. Our stories since March have been mostly upbeat about traveling, seeing the world, and loving life as unemployed people. What I haven’t really talked about is the financial stresses that have come with this huge life decision.

Ah, financials. It’s a very private matter, of course, but today I feel I need to be honest so as not to mislead anyone about how it feels like to be us.

To recap, Alex quit first and started working on Mobywan, and I quit almost 9 months later. In that time, we went from a very comfortable lifestyle with dual income, to a very cramped living situation living on just my salary. We scrounged and saved and didn’t dip into our savings account, which was mostly proceeds from the sale of our beloved apartment.

Then we used our savings to pay for our trip – flights were the big thing, and really, traveling in India and SE Asia was not that expensive (actually, Bali was, but that’s another story for another day). We further dipped into our savings to pay for the wedding, with some help from the gifts we received from family and friends. Let me just say, and this is totally super honest in keeping with the theme today, I wish we had gotten married at City Hall. We had an amazing few days with friends and family, and the wedding turned out exactly like I had envisioned – I just still cannot agree with the costs to validate something that’s supposed to come from the heart. Alex was a little crushed to hear me say this, but it is how I feel very deep down.

Anyway. So we’ve paid for traveling, paid for a big hoopla, and now…now, we pay an even bigger amount to be here in Paris, for me to attend Le Cordon Bleu. The tuition is no secret, it is listed on their website. And housing in Paris isn’t exactly cheap like we’re living in Windsor or something. So…

I had a full-on panic attack last night. My first one ever. I felt so constricted inside. I wanted to throw up constantly. I briefly considered running away and taking on a new alias elsewhere.

IT’S SO MUCH PRESSURE. I love that my husband is incredibly supportive. I feel like I have so much responsibility to love this program, to commit to it 100%, and to make sure it better damn well be good for something, that I am not sure I can imagine enjoying it. Truthfully, I can’t muster up the energy to get super excited about the first day of school because of all this pressure. Yet, I know I love baking, and even thinking about working with pastries and being covered in flour all day makes me smile. It’s just – at what cost should this joy be obtained?

Am I being completely ridiculous by making us move to Paris and live here and spend money on this program?

I am very, very aware of the even more ridiculous fact that it is a little too late to be pondering these questions, when we’re fully unpacked in this apartment and my tuition is fully paid.

You may notice the trend that we don’t tend to over-think / over-discuss things until after the fact (see example from India). You know, I like living impulsively, but I’m starting to realize I’m not mentally built for it.

So. After a long, long discussion (fuelled by jetlag) Alex is trying to help me make peace with our decisions so far, and I’m working on not feeling so nauseous about it all so I can ingest some food. I hope I’ve made my point that this year has been the most difficult for us, personally, in our adult life. The decisions we make now may or may not have a huge influence on our future, and we have no idea what’s in store for us. It makes me so very nervous. Perhaps spending all this money won’t be a big deal to us in 2017, when we’ll have been back at work for 5 years. Perhaps we’ll be the people you pitifully throw quarters at near subway stations in 2017. Perhaps it won’t be the money that leaves a lasting impression, but the experience of it all — and we’re staying optimistic that that’s the case.

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Charm

on Saturday 27 August 2011

in paris

taken on the iPhone on our jaunt in the Marais

We’ve made a point to walk around everyday, not too far, but just enough so that we can see our neighbourhood. So far I’ve had more impulses to stop on the narrow sidewalk and take photos with my phone than I have ever had in any other city, and I love that Paris inspires me so.

Today, our first full day (read: woke up before noon) in Paris, we wandered into the Marché downstairs to find, to our delight, most of the stalls buzzing with patrons. I discovered a small vegetable stand at the back where a long queue had formed for people to buy little black plums and tomatoes – nothing else. I peeked into the back wall of Mariage Frères lined with small tea tins on our walk down into the heart of the Marais. We picked up a delicious baguette stuffed to the brim with andouillettes, caramelized onions, mustard and roasted potatoes at the market on rue Rivoli, and devoured it on a bench by the Seine. [Note: Terence, you’d love andouillettes – tripe and pork sausages!] I had the most amazing chocolate orange ice cream studded with lots of candied orange bits at Berthillon – made me wonder why I’d ever bother making my own ice cream while living here. Oh wait, did I mention that downstairs from us, there’s an olive oil purveyor with taps and taps full of different olive oils ready for sampling? [Kasia, I’m waiting for you.]

However, I’m also a little wary of the fact that this “new-ness” will wear off, and one day I may gaze at the buildings the same way I look at the towering mountains in BC – that is, with a “meh” attitude. So for now, as much as I can, I’ll be taking photos with my phone (Instagram, Hipstamatic, and the good ol’ camera app), plus with my SLR whenever I can. I also want to share these photos as much as possible, so I’ve created a Tumblr account for mangoonanapple, where I’ll be uploading daily pictures!

The blogs & meaningful words will continue here – Tumblr will be just an outlet for photos – an overflow, if you will. Check it out!

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I Can’t Believe I Live in Paris!

on Friday 26 August 2011

in paris

Clearly I’m helpful with luggage

It’s been a very messy day and a half of sleeping at random hours, drinking sleepy tea at even more random hours, and unpacking our life into the smallest studio apartment ever. I must say, the Parisians know how to utilize space! Hidden in all kinds of crevices in this apartment are shelves, cleaning supplies, extra quilts, laundry racks…you name it. I’ve also cleaned and reorganized the kitchen, which is literally a bunch of counters and a stove top that envelops one person – no possible way to fit a second cook in there at the same time! Because this is a vacation rental, I discovered many leftovers from previous tenants, such as coffee, olive oil, and pasta. Other than a very questionable jar of Dijon mustard, I’ve kept most of it. Frugal living starts here!

After Alex finally woke up from his nap yesterday (and he’s also still very sick), we took a walk around the neighbourhood to the Marché aux Enfants Rouges just downstairs, where we picked up fresh farm eggs (huge monstrosities) and a couple of nectarines and heirloom tomatoes. Then we peeked into a little Franprix (kinda like a mini mart), before proceeding on to Monoprix (the real deal). I may have gotten overly excited in Monoprix at the selection of butter, before finally settling on a small 125g square of “lightly flaked sea salt butter”. After picking up essentials like milk and coffee, we came back to the apartment with a couple of fresh sandwiches (mine was a toasted baguette with trois fromages – heaven!) and pepperoni sticks from the local fromagerie.

Oh yes, at the fromagerie, the cutest little old lady started speaking to me. I gathered that her husband was selecting the cheeses because he is better at it, and then she just kept on mumbling quickly near me…too bad I couldn’t understand it all. I think she also told me I’m cute but who knows, she could’ve called me a bitch, too. At least she was somewhat friendly to me, which made me feel much less hesitant about the famed French attitude.

Amidst all the jetlag, we were awoken in the middle of the night by a massive thunderstorm. Since we left our windows open, rain got in and Alex was quick enough to get up and wipe up the puddle before it got too bad. The thunder just kept rolling, but because said sleepy tea was so effective, I think I slept through most of it.

It’s literally the middle of the afternoon now in Paris and we’ve just woken up to see our second day in the city. Best get going! The picture was taken with my iPhone, and we haven’t gotten around to doing proper photos yet because we haven’t finished unpacking – it’ll all come up soon on the blog, promise!

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